Lockdown 2

New Zealand went into lockdown last week, Full lockdown, only leave your house to exercise, and I do, or to buy supplies and I have. It is eerie, few cars on the road, and it is quiet.

This lockdown is different than the first, this lockdown I am totally alone. And it is bringing back all kinds of memories of the last one. It is bringing back memories of the last time when Marty was alive.

Looking back at the first lockdown, I was busy, so busy, Marty was in the last stage of his illness, we had carers coming in to get him up in the morning, we had nurses and OT’s bringing equipment. Then he died and I had nothing. I was alone for the first time in my life. Yes people left things in my letter box, goodies and cards and it was a lovely surprise each time I went out. But I was alone, as I am now.

It hasn’t been all bad, there were flowers outside a gate with please take one, the lady who lived there was a florist and she didn’t want to waste her flowers so she was giving them away, they are beautiful. These small acts of kindness just show us how wonderful people are.

The government has made the right decision, I truly believe that. Jacinda locked us down after the first case was found, she didn’t wait and see. And she is not stupid, she listens to the experts. This is a huge deal, I look at other places were experts are ignored and the population pays the price.

I have had my first jab, I believe in vaccination, always have, out DHB was a bit slower than the rest but I had a jab as soon as it was available in my town. I have no problem wearing mask, though it does fog up my glasses. I am not a sheeple, my decisions are made on facts.

Fact one – Covid19 is dangerous, people die from it, one of my friends in England almost died, it was touch and go. if it gets into the general population, people will die, lots of them.

Fact two – the vaccine is safe, it does not have heavy metals in it, it does not have a tracking device so Bill Gates can know where we are. Really people, if Bill Gates wants to know where you are, he just has to track your cell phone.

Fact three – Herd immunity doesn’t work, the waves of cases going across Europe and US, proves that. We need as many people vaccinated as possible.

The reality is, this lockdown may not work, we may be overwhelmed with cases and contact tracing may not be enough, but it is our best hope.

As difficult as this time is for me, and it is truly difficult, it is the right thing to do. So people just do the right thing.

Get tested if you are a contact

Get vaccinated

Stay in your bubble

Wear a mask when you go out

Wash your hands

Be kind

It is really simple and it could save someone you love

Mothers Day 2021

Mother’s day is hard, I always cry on mothers day. It is no different today. People don’t realise that while it is a celebration for some, it is a day of sadness for others. Those of us whose children have died. Today is one of the days we miss them the most.

With my daughter Suzanne, I say I lost her twice. When she was born she had severe disabilities, on that day i lost her potential. For parents reading this, think of all the milestones you go through with your children. All the excitement of first day of school, first dates , educational achievements, first jobs, marriage babies, I had none of this. Suzanne never called me Mum, she never told me she loved me, she never crawled or walked. Her disability took that from me.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Suzanne with all my heart, I miss her dreadfully, but I am only human, I missed those milestones. I miss the opportunity of meeting her children.

Now I am lucky, I an amazing son with a truly awesome wife and a wonderful stepdaughter, a daughter by choice. I have six amazing grandchildren, they are amazing, a credit to their parents. But it doesn’t mean I miss the potential of others.

So celebrate today, be grateful for what you have. But remember those of us, not so fortunate, those of us, whose children have died and can’t be here to celebrate.

One year on

Today is the first anniversary of my beloved’s death. It has been a whole year. A year of change, a year of getting through, a year of sadness and tears, but as Elton John says, I am still standing.

Sometimes, I don’t know how, the pain from this loss is crippling me, it is a constant. But yet I still stand.

In February , I went back on antidepressants. But I am not suicidal, as I usually am when depression is bad. I know my kids and grandkids have had a hard year too and me taking my life would be so unfair to them. So I carry on.

I am back doing what i love, book clubs, choir, writers group and the gym. I am busy. Life is as good as it can be with this pain inside me. I smile I tell jokes, I almost back to the person I was, almost.

I attended a support group for people who lost a loved one in hospice care, That is wonderful and made some wonderful new friends who truly understand the loss.

There have been small bonuses, I am enjoying cooking for my self, lots of new foods and recipes that my beloved would not eat. But i would go back to boring food in a heartbeat if I could have him back. i have begun making my house more feminine, I have become a bit of a Wish addict buying pretty things I see.

And the words still won’t come. I write a little but it doesn’t flow like it did. One of my characters was in labour for over a year with triplets. she finally delivered this month for writer’s group.

This past year has been hard, though I am grateful that my beloved is no longer suffering from that cruel disease. So much better for him, but worse for me, I miss his hugs, I miss our conversations, i miss his humour and I miss his strength. The smile in his eyes when he looked at me.

His love will always be with me. I feel it.

But most of all I just feel sad.

The words won’t come

So it has been six months now. And i am getting on with my life. I went back to choir as soon as choir was up and running after the lockdown. I was back in the gym as soon as I was able. And book club and writers group. Even Citizens Advice Bureau, but my life is not the same. I am alone.

When I go out, I come home to an empty house. I sleep in an empty bed and I cry every day. I put on a brave face, I laugh and smile and pretend I am okay but I am not. I miss him.

One of my biggest issues is, I can’t write. Words don’t come any more. The used to flow out of me, i have books in my head but they won’t come.

It is one of the reasons my blog has been silent. The words won’t come.

For a writer like me, it is like losing a limb. In one of my books, there has been a woman in labour for months. She is having triplets. Imagine being in labour for months. I need to finish the chapter but the words won’t come.

Even today i am writing nonsense because the words won’t come.

Perhaps this is just part of grief, I don’t know. What i do know is that i miss him so. I always will. People say it will get easier but it hasn’t yet.

But the worst thing is, the words won’t come.

Diamonds and Stones

It is four weeks to the minute that Marty died. Four weeks and nothing is the same. I miss him. I felt like part of me is missing.  When people ask how i am doing, I say Diamonds and Stones. It is from a John Denver song. Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.

I cry, some days I wander around the house wondering what to do with myself. The last weeks of Marty’s life were very intense, I was nursing him, doing everything for him and now i do nothing except look around and see what is missing.

I hate sleeping alone, I hate waking to an empty pillow. I have left things on his side of the bed as they were. His glasses are there, the notes he wrote, I can’t bare to move them. It is a finality of it. I have packed up some of his clothes and his wardrobe is mostly empty but i haven’t moved his shoes.

The OT was really good, she came and got his wheelchair and all the other equipment, The house is empty without it. It is empty without him.

People say I am a strong woman. I don’t feel strong. I feel lost.

Now the lockdown has been relaxed, I have had visitors which is nice. My choir sent flowers. I have even been to a party and sang karaoke. Under 10 people of course and it was just next door. I felt a little guilty for having fun.

It is early days yet, I know, but sometimes, I feel I should be doing more.  The gardens are a mess, the spare room and the hallway need wall papering.

But i can’t, i just want to cry.

Mother’s Day 2020

i was really dreading mother’s day this year, my first without my mother and my beloved. He always brought me chocolates.  I imagined it would be a lonely miserable day all alone. It is one of the days i miss Suzanne the most, the other is her birthday on the last day of May. May is not a good month for me at all.

Fate however lent a hand. I had been staying with my son, daughter in law and their daughters while the bathroom was being finished and the builder rang on Thursday to say that there was a hold up with the vinyl so i could come home until Tuesday.

So i spend mothers day with my son and his family. They spoiled me, it was wonderful.

Of course i felt sad, but there was comfort there, hugs available if i needed them and i felt loved.

Another bonus was finding my friend Cass’s house. She is the sister to my wonderful neighbours and stayed with them while she was looking for a new house. It took awhile so we have lots of outings to coffee places. she is one of those people you feel you have known forever.

I had been walking the day before and i found her dog. Well I hoped it was her dog at the time. I called her name and she didn’t bark at me and came over to the fence. I patted her. I knew it was either her dog or i had made friends with a strangers dog. I went for a walk the next day and she was home,

I knocked on the door and she invited me in. She is one of the people who broke into my bubble after Marty died, she wanted to comfort me and she did.

I always have wine on Mother’s day she said, have a glass with me, and i am just making breakfast so lefts break bread together.

It was wonderful. it made my day.

So yes, I was sad on Mother’s day, it will always be a difficult day, but it was the best one in a long time.

I missed my beloved but I also celebrated being a mother for the first time in a long time.

Away from home

On Monday, two weeks after, I went to stay with my son and his family.  The builders came to finish the bathroom.  I was weird leaving. I cried all the way to New Plymouth.  I couldn’t leave his ashes at home so I brought them with me.  Part of me felt really silly about that but most of me needed the comfort.

It is nice to be around people again and I am getting spoiled. Not having to think about cooking is a real bonus. Even had fish and chips last night.

I have done most of the ringing around and organised changing everything into just my name. People are wonderful bringing gifts and cards. Hospice rings to check up on me and so does the OT. People are nice.

But the reality is, I am alone. With my thoughts and my regrets. I wonder if I did enough to keep him with me. Everyone says i did, but I have doubts.

I spent 40 years with this wonderful man and I don’t know how to live without him.  Memories are wonderful but they can’t take the place of the real thing.

We had something incredibly special, I am so lucky in that but I miss him so.

May is always an incredibly difficult month for me, but this has overshadowed everything. But don’t worry, those of you who know me well, I am not in least bit suicidal, our family has just lost it’s patriarch, there is no losing the matriarch as well.  I will be here for them for as long as I can.

And I will be alone.  Surround by those who love me, but alone without him.

Fear

The world is a scary place right now. Covid 19 is spreading across the world and it is dangerous for people over 70 and with weakened immune systems just like my beloved. We are self isolating.

At present, we are living in a motel. Our bathroom is being renovated. i am quite enjoying it, but Marty isn’t.  He doesn’t have an armchair to sit in so spends all day in his wheelchair (Black Bess)or resting on the bed. He hates being in bed during the day but really he needs the break from Black Bess.

His support workers still come in every morning to get him up and I go home twice a day to feed the cats. They are not happy. Strife doesn’t like strangers in the house so I didn’t see her for the first couple of days.

I have become fearful. Not of the virus, the government is being very proactive, most of my external activities have been cancelled and we are being as cautious as we can. I am afraid that i will not cope in the future. That i will fail my beloved. that i won’t keep my promise to him and care for him for the rest of his life together in our home.

It is getting harder. In the back of my mind, this little voice keeps telling me that i failed Suzanne, she had to go into care, and now i am going to fail him. And he will hate it, and in turn hate me for not doing enough.

This fear, that i keep hidden from the world is eating away at me. It is making it harder to sleep, so of course i am tired a lot of the time, so it makes caring for him harder. It is a vicious circle. I get grumpy which makes him grumpy. I am not sleeping very well. I wake up and i feel like i am failing already,

I made an appointment with the doctor to increase my depression meds but my appointment isn’t for another week.

I know i need to stay more positive but every day he loses more movement, his speech is quieter and he has difficulty coughing stuff up.

I save my tears for when he is asleep. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to fail him. I want to keep him with me forever.

In these uncertain times, the fear is overwhelming. But i will fight it. I will not let it beat me.

 

A long difficult day

via A long difficult day

A couple of days in hospital

On Friday when he woke, Marty complained about having trouble breathing. I was off to lunch with the MND support group and i asked him if he wanted me to cancel and ring hospice. He insisted he was fine so i went to lunch. I really like the support group, they understand what i am going through.  Unfortunately, Marty can’t attend as we can’t get him in the car. It was at the Cathedral in New Plymouth. The oldest stone church in NZ, it has been closed due to earthquake risk and we heard how they are going to bring it up to code. it is a massive costly job but such a beautiful building.

He was fine when i got back but the following morning at 4:30 he woke me to say he was really having trouble breathing. He apologised for waking me. I rang the ambulance  and got dressed. By six we were in ED. Blood tests showed heart enzymes in his blood and they thought he had had a small heart attack. We were there for hours then finally they found a bed in ICU. He had a nasty cough so they treated him with antibiotics.

Simon came up to see us around 6. I just love watching the two of them talk, they can talk for hours intelligent stuff quantum physics, astronomy way above my pay grade.

The staff in ICU were great. I went home about 8pm, I was really tired. Simon had brought me some pizza for tea so i wasn’t hungry. I fed the cats and climbed into bed with my book. I don’t sleep well alone so woke at 2, read some more and went back to sleep.

I was back at the hospital at 7:30 for ward rounds. The consultant was consulting with her staff, she didn’t really talk to us.  She did say he could be moved to a medical ward when there was a bed free.

Marty wanted to go to the toilet, so the staff sent down for a hoist. It was brought up 15 minutes later and after 5 minutes of trying to get the thing to work they discovered the battery was flat. They sent for another battery which arrived 15 minutes later and that was flat. I felt so sorry for the staff, they were so embarrassed.

We moved down to a medical ward. I feel sorry for the nurses, they are so busy. if you ring the bell they take about 30 minutes to respond. I was really tired again so i went home around six. I stopped for KFC on the way home.

The thing about Taranaki base is they make their own food, so Marty really enjoyed his gluten free meals, providing he likes it, he will eat it, and he did. It was good to see, especially since i got a supplement for him the week before. He has lost so much weight. I know it is normal for MND but to see his legs like sticks is really scary.

The staff really don’t seem to have a clue about disability. They didn’t really understand how disabled he is and what it means in reality. The doctor wanted him to drink more  and when the nurse told him this , he replied it is way over there.  It in a jug, and Marty can’t lift anything heavier than a small cup.

I got there at 8am so i could see the doctor, again she spoke to her staff and not to us. She wanted him to have a sonogram on his heart before he left but providing he had it he could go home. Marty was determined to go home regardless.

I was feeling pretty stressed so i rang Cassie for a hug, and she came up and gave me several, it was what i needed. She is great like that.

They finally said they didn’t want the sonogram after all and said he could come home. Of course we had to order an ambulance because Marty can’t get in the car anymore. The ambulance staff are great, i only just beat them home in my car. We got home about six and fortunately i had a pizza in the freezer so i didn’t have to cook. we were both very tired, so had an early night hoping the next day would be quiet.

It wasn’t