My Black Dog

by barbznz

I haven’t been writing much lately, My black dog snuck out and crept up on me as he usually does and it is taking a while to get him back in his kennel. He is almost back I think but I will have to be vigilant a little longer just to make sure.

The thing with my black dog is, he doesn’t suddenly escape the confines of his kennel. He is much sneakier than that. He quietly finds an escape route and stealthily crawls though that he can squeeze through, finding my vulnerabilities and making the most of every opportunity.

This time, for a while I tried to ignore him hoping he would go back by himself but he didn’t.

I always have a low period in May, I have written about it before. It is the anniversary of Suzanne’s birth and I try hard to plan for it so that I don’t let my black dog out.  I try to be kinder to myself, and rest  and relax and so hopefully by mid June I am back to my old self.

This year,I didn’t bounce back up. My mood stayed low. I told Marty in early July that I was worried my mood hadn’t lifted and then got back to life, hoping that i was imagining things,  ignoring my black dog, hoping he would stay put. But he obviously found a weak spot.

In mid July, there were other priorities. My uncle Ian was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I supported Mum by Skype as much as I could and kept insisting I come up to be with her. By the time, she allowed me to come, my uncle had died. It was great to catch up with family and spend time with Mum and it gave me something else to think about besides impending doom.

I probably cried off and on for three days. My dark passenger started telling how easy death would be, that nobody would miss me, in fact  my death would make  the world  a better place. I finally went to see the doctor. Well more like Marty insisted I go to the doctor and he gave me the medication I had the last time my black dog was here.

But it does take a while for the meds to take effect. The side effects aren’t great either. Instead of bouncing out of bed at six I sleep until well after 8. My whole routine is out of whack and I am not getting on my Wii as much. As a consequence, my legs aren’t happy, I am getting quite bad pins and needles down one side and a lot of muscle pain. It’s enough to make you crazy. Hang on I am already crazy,

in the middle of all this, I turned sixty, There was no fanfare, not even a birthday cake. It would have happened it I had organised something but my black dog was already sapping my  energy. I was hoping someone else would think of it but no one did. We did have a lovely DVD day with the grand kids though the weekend before which was lovely. I love Star Wars and the grand kids have become fans. Even if Nana cheated and we only watched the first and the last movie, I just love Ewoks. .

On the day, Marty took me to a movie and we had a lovely meal out and Mum send me some money to buy a plant and I had lots of Facebook messages from family and friends.

But my black dog told me nobody really cared about me and I had achieved nothing in my sixty years. But I know he is lying, he is just trying to find a way to prevent me from put him back where he belongs. He has lost this round, and I am on the up,

Things can only get better from here.


© Barbara Hart 2014