Facing the Facts

by barbznz

I didn’t want to but I had to face the facts. Having Suzanne at home was becoming more and more difficult. It impacted on everything. And I was tired, so very tired. I didn’t know what to do, I hated myself for even considering sending Suzanne away. How could I abandon my own child. She was almost 12, I couldn’t image being without her. 

IHC contacted me and said that they were definitely opening a children’s home in November and they offered her a place.It was going to be in Miro Street in Mt Maunganui. It was an existing building and fairly new. They had appointed a manager, Prue Grant who would be happy to come and talk about it.

Marty and I talked about it at length. Finally he said, this is your decision. I will stand by what you decide but I won’t make the decision for you. I said it should be joint decision, we were married after all. But he said no. I don’t want you blaming me, if you later you decide that you have made the wrong decision. It has to be yours and yours alone.

The day Prue came to see me and meet Suzanne, I was a wreck. My stupid body was playing up and I spent most on the morning on the toilet. She was very nice. She spoke kindly to Suzanne. She talked about the house and how it would be run. She assured me that we could visit at any time. But mostly she assured me that Suzanne would be safe and well cared for and most importantly, she would be  loved. 

And then she left. I cried a lot. I am crying now, just thinking about it. It was an impossible choice. Now, our lives were so restricted and I knew that Simon was missing out on a lot of things, boys of his age did. But Suzanne was my baby, we had been through so much together. I had had to fight so hard to keep her and now I was considering giving her away. 

The other thing that bothered me was, Suzanne couldn’t tell me if thing were wrong. She couldn’t ring up and say, they didn’t feed me today, they are mean to me, they left me in wet nappies for hours. There would be no way of knowing that she was okay. I would have to trust strangers to do that right thing.  

And that was scaring me the most. 

© Barbara Hart 2014

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