Mother’s day

by barbznz

I just had a visit for mother’s day from my son and his wonderful daughters. It was lovely. It even included a walk around the block. They brought a card, a box of chocolate and a chocolate scented candle. We ate and laughed and had fun and took photos. Jenni rang too. She would have come around but Caleb was sick. 

When the girls were here I skyped my mother to wish her a happy day and she was able see and  talk to them. 

But Mother’s day is hard for me. I always cry. I did this morning. Marty held me in his arms and let me cry. He has come to expect it. It is a same every year. I am sure my mother and other women who have lost children feel the same way. 

May has always been a bad month for me. Mothers day is in May.In 1975, it was  Suzanne’s due date.  It took me years to realise it but the trauma of Suzanne’s birth rears it’s ugly head in May and I get quite depressed. When I would talk about my experience of mental illness I would always say May is a bad month. I have to take extra care of myself and put supports in place. But the reality is, I rarely do and sometime around Mothers day I get the blues. Then it makes sense. 

When Suzanne was born, people said it was so good for me to have a daughter. Mother and daughter relationships are special they said, you can grow up together and have a lot of fun.  While our relationship was special, it was not the stuff of movies. Suzanne and I never shared her secrets, we never talked about the future, made plans, talked of boys and relationships or any of the usual things. We never had days when watched bad movies or planned careers or weddings.

There was no first date, no first baby, none of those things that mothers and daughters typically share. She never rang me for advise, and we never grabbed a quick bite. We never went on the town together. She never called me Mum and she never said I love you Mum.

Now you would think I would have got used to that since she would be 39 later in the month. But the hurt never goes away. It may not be the first thing I think of when I wake up, but it is there, nagging at me, reminding me of losses, especially in May. 

The one thing I have to look forward to, though is June will be here soon and I can put this sadness away for another year.

Perhaps, I should get over it, accept it,  move on but I can’t, Mothers Day reminds me every year, just what I missed out on. Every year the papers and magazines are full of wonderful mother and daughter stories. Advertisers talk about the perfect gift for mothers. 

I am so grateful to have a wonderful son,daughter in law and step daughter but I really miss my daughter today and what we might have had.. 

But most of all, I really miss Suzanne

© Barbara Hart 2014